Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Today the kids and I went over to Matt and Jennifer's new house to help clean and unpack, and while I was on my knees scrubbing the bathroom floor (trying not to think about just whose pee I was cleaning) I began to wonder...

...What would life be like if you lived with the dark-haired, bearded Oxi-Clean guy? You know the guy from the commercials that elevate the volume of your TV by 10 decibals so you can still hear him when you go to the bathroom during the break. I mean, can you imagine life on a daily basis living with a man who cheerfully speaks at full volume and in ALL CAPS all the time?

Every morning:

“GOOD MORNING, HONEY! RISE AND SHINE! WHY ARE YOU HOLDING THE PILLOW OVER YOUR HEAD? WAS I TALKING IN MY SLEEP AGAIN? OH NO!”

At Breakfast:

“THESE EGGS ARE AMAZING! I’VE NEVER HAD EGGS LIKE THIS! LOOK AT HOW QUICKLY I CAN EAT THESE EGGS! I’VE LICKED MY PLATE CLEAN IN LESS THAN TEN SECONDS AND BECAUSE I BRUSH MY TEETH WITH KABOOM AND OXI-CLEAN, I CAN PUT THE PLATE RIGHT BACK INTO THE CUPBOARD!”

To the kids:

“HAVE A GREAT DAY AT SCHOOL, SUZY, AND DON’T FORGET TO SHOWER THOROUGHLY AFTER GYM CLASS! YOUR SWEAT STAINS LAST WEEK TOOK TWO TEASPOONS OF OXI-CLEAN TO GET THEM OUT! AND YOU, JUNIOR, DID YOU NOTICE HOW SPARKLING CLEAN YOUR UNDERWEAR WAS THIS MORNING? NO MORE SKID MARKS, THANKS TO YOUR DEAR OLD DAD AND THE POWER OF OXI-CLEAN!”

To the dog:

“ROVER! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HIDING UNDER THE COUCH WITH YOUR PAWS OVER YOUR EARS? COME OUT HERE AND SHAKE HANDS! LET'S GO PLAY FETCH!”

To his wife:

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND, HONEY! YOU’RE LEAVING ME? I THOUGHT IT WAS MY EXUBERANCE, CLEAR COMMUNICATION, AND STAIN-FIGHTING ABILITIES THAT DREW YOU TO ME!